Local Coffee Shop Declares Itself A Terrorist Organization; FBI Mulling Response

CINCINNATI, OH - The gentleman who calls himself "John Rouen" is hardly your typical terrorist.

He speaks with a heavy Appalachian accent; his grasp of modern business lingo and American culture belies his frequent reading of Forbes magazine and the FOX network.

His loose-fitting solid black shroud, the traditional garb of the terrorist, exposes only a thin band of pale skin around his blue eyes. During the interview, he continually chafes at his forehead and scratches his shoulders and upper back, apparently finding the full-body garment uncomfortable in Cincinnati's humid summers.

"If I had known this was what was involved in being a terrorist," grumbles the man who calls himself Mr Rouen", "I probably would have thought twice about becoming one."

Yet the man who calls himself Mr Rouen is resolute in his cause - his dedication to terrorism. What drove this ordinary American to turn his back on mainstream American life and become a terrorist?

"Honestly," said the man who calls himself Mr Rouen, "I did it for the tax breaks."

A few months ago, Lakes' Shakes lost its tax-exempt status. The man who became known as Mr Rouen had a heated discussion with his accountant, furious that his firm had to pay more taxes as a percentage of overhead than big banks like Bank of America and HSBC. "We provide a public service," said the man who became known as Mr Rouen to his accountant.

"Well," said the accountant, "terrorist organizations don't pay taxes either, and they also claim to 'provide a public service'."

"It was an epiphany - like JP Morgan, George W Bush and Ayn Rand, I heard God whisper in my ears - 'Follow the path of the terrorist, John'," recounts the man who now calls himself Mr Rouen.

So the man who became known as Mr Rouen walked into Springdales and said, "I want to buy a terrorist uniform." "Everyone looked at me funny," he later recounted. "As if I was talking about having sex with children, or something."

The man who became known as Mr Rouen then took the train to Florida and chartered a small boat to Havana, seeking "terrorism resources".

Under Chapter 18, Sec. 2331 of the United States Code, international terrorism is defined as "...violent acts or acts dangerous to human life that are a violation of the criminal laws of the United States or of any State..." and "are to intimidate or coerce a civilian population..."

On May 15, 2013, the man who would become known as Mr Rouen withdrew $17 from the general fund of Lakes' Shakes and used the funds to hire a male prostitute specializing in bondage and sadomasochism. The male prostitute, whose identity has not been disclosed, and the man who thereafter became known as Mr Rouen, spent the night of the 15th whipping and sodomizing each other repeatedly, taking turns tying each other to the bed with hemp cable, gagging the mouth of the "victim" with duct tape, each man being threatened with "punishment" if they did not continue to sodomize the other.

After the twelve-hour ordeal, the man who now calls himself Mr Rouen and the gigolo were rushed to the Havana Medical Centre, where they were treated for severe dehydration and blood loss.

"The patient was nearly dead," said a Havanese doctor who wished not to be identified, saying, "I don't want to be known as the doctor who saved the life of an American terrorist."

"I never saw such vicious wounds. I could hardly believe they were not fatal. And such fearsome language! Just listening to those two men threaten each other with more 'punishment' nearly made me faint.

"I was truly afraid...to this day I still do not feel safe bending over," said the doctor, nervously shifting his bottom.

That night, by endangering his life, and the lives of others, and by violating the laws of the 14 American states in which sodomy is still considered illegal, the man who became known as Mr Rouen had nearly completed his descent into terrorism.

But one heinous act remained. He still had to seek publicity for his deeds. So he posted six hours of grainy, low-res footage on an amateur sex video sharing site, dubbing the footage with pirated music licensed to the estates of Frank Sinatra and Michael Jackson. Through the entire six-hour S&M sex marathon, ran the caption, "DO YOU FEEL YOUR FAMILY VALUES THREATENED YET???"

Within hours, downloads shattered the seven-digit mark. The file was soon taken down by the site, by court order. But it was too late - the cat was out of the bag, and countless mirrors soon sprung up hosting the footage from countries like Venezuela and Sweden.

And with that, the man who now calls himself Mr Rouen realized, he had become a terrorist.

Upon his return to work, he ordered all the servers to dress appropriately - in full-body black shrouds. He commissioned a new awning for the store, emblazoned with the words, "WE SUPPORT TERRORISM!," and offered new customers coupons with each order:"Redeem for one FREE AK-47 - Void Where Prohibited By Law"

The man calling himself Mr Rouen credited the Gettysburg Address as the inspiration for the "AK-47s For Everyone" promotion.

"President Lincoln of the U- I mean, the Great Satan - made the Blacks free, but only where he had no power to enforce his proclamation; and now we're making AK-47s free, but only where we have no power to redeem our coupons."

The moment Lakes' Shakes became a terrorist organization, the FBI froze its assets, in the process instantly clearing several hundred dollars of outstanding debt. Since the man known as Mr Rouen has no income or assets, he now qualifies for public assistance, and since his business has lost its corporate charter, but still retains public recognition as a terrorist entity, Lakes' Shakes is now free from the statutory requirement of corporations to hire professional legal counsel.

The man known as Mr Rouen still lives in fear of the FBI showing up one day to seize his home and business. The FBI, he says, "is no doubt terrified of reprisals by the underground army of male sodomists and male sodomist sypathizers in America," citing statistics that as many as one in ten American men may be a sodomist.

But there is also the fact that the man known as Mr Rouen has actually done nothing wrong under federal law. Terrorism remains a poorly defined legal concept under US law, with neither specific legal mechanisms for its prosecution nor legal remedies for those found guilty.

"I'm in a legal grey area," says the man known as Mr Rouen. "Am I a law-abiding American citizen? Or am I an international terrorist? That depends who you ask."

Meanwhile the persons associated with the Lakes' Shakes terrorist organization are adjusting to the new workplace culture of terrorism.

"We had a 'solidarity' meeting today," said one individual said to be a low-ranking member of the Lakes' Shakes terrorist organization. "We were indoctrinated to blind ourselves to race, religion, gender, political persuasion and national origin - the only thing that matters is fulfilling our goals as a terrorist organization." And what are those goals? The young woman shuddered. "Don't ask me," she pleaded. "I just serve drinks. If you have any questions, ask my manager."

But it's unlikely her manager would have the answer either, for Lakes' Shakes has reorganized itself into self-contained cells of no more than ten individuals. "It's good for morale, and it's good for customer service. If a customer asks, 'Who's the manager?" or, "Who brewed this stool in a cup?" - you can't be forced to name names you don't know.

Since Lakes' Shakes is now a terrorist organization, it cannot legally accept payment for goods and services, instead relying on a shadowy network of collaborators offering payment-in-kind, some possibly motivated by ideological causes, others, perhaps, forced to assist in fear of their family values, or their rectal health.

"It's a daily struggle," says the man known as Mr Rouen. "But somehow, God willing, we will defeat the Great Satan, and serve up some mean coffee."

The Internal Revenue Service is grappling with the issue of tax enforcement of recognized terrorist organizations.

"The United States sponsors terrorism - terrorism does not sponsor the United States. These terrorist organizations are eminently untaxable. It's a tax loophole a million miles wide," said Gary Perkins, a collection officer with the Cincinnati branch of the Internal Revenue Service.

Meanwhile, the Cincinnati office of the Federal Bureau of Investigation is mulling its response.

"To be honest, we're worried about copycat crimes. We don't want an epidemic of wannabe sodomists wreaking havoc all over Cincinnati. And, you know, we really need more funding. We take the 'War on Terrorism' seriously, but we also take the budget negotiations back in D.C.  seriously too," said Mr Kevin R Cornelius, director of the Cincinnati FBI office.

"Of course we have to remember that terrorists like the man known as Mr Rouen are American citizens too. So we're considering our options very carefully." Mr Cornelius unequivocally denies rumors that the FBI may have already been infiltrated by sodomist sympathizers.

"The one thing we can't ignore, was the use of hemp in the terrorist act," said Mr Cornelius. "That's a real red flag for us, and it's why we're sitting up and taking notice of terrorists like the man who calls himself Mr Rouen."

The Associated Press contributed to this report.