The Giant Loophole In Gun Advocates' Arguments The Left Is Too Self-Absorbed To Notice

I don't care much for American politics. I concluded a long time ago that American politics are two different brands of irrelevance and unreality, and most Americans are way too stupid and greedy to be able to look at their country objectively. I think most arguments in American politics are far divorced from the realities of the issues.

State sponsored birth control, for example, is treated as a cost/benefit or moral/freedom issue, when in reality, state-sponsored birth control is cheap, available and not an infringement on the freedom of taxpayers or recipients, but doesn't get used, because the inability of Americans to conceive a middle ground between, or alternatives to, "Uncle Suga" and "rely on charity or die in the street".

This false duality, driven by the deleterious impact American market values have on family and personal values - the American inclination to look at life as a fundamentally individual and economic affair - leads people to make irresponsible decisions irrespective of whether birth control is available or not. Thus, both sides of the political discourse have agreed to wage the debate on terms that have nothing to do with the issues at hand.

Anyway, gun rights. Gun advocates continue to insist that gun ownership is a Constitutionally guaranteed right. Most have never even heard of the Federalist Papers and have no idea how Alexander Hamilton's book clearly defines the bona fide truth of the issue (and also why American gun rights advocates who also support the military flatly don't understand this country or what it was founded on).

But that is not really here or there. The point is, though, that the argument that gun rights are Constitutionally guaranteed is flawed, but the Left is too lost in its own banality to grasp why.

Constitutional rights are by definition guaranteed and non-negotiable. This means, for example, that although the government can take your tax money, your house, your right to drive a car, or prevent you from doing things perceived contrary to national interest, the government cannot revoke, for example, your freedom of speech, your freedom of belief, your freedom of association or your freedom of non-incrimination. Even people who have committed the most serious crimes in our society continue to enjoy those freedoms (although they may be deprived of personal liberty due to being incarcerated).

That a murderer retains his freedom of speech or a mobster his freedom of non-incrimination may seem perverse, but the guaranteed nature of rights serves a very important role in our society. Were rights not guaranteed, but rather something that one can be deprived of "by due process of law", such as life, liberty and personal property (i.e., taxation, imprisonment and execution), constitutional rights would have no meaning; anyone could be made subject at any time to petty laws arbitrarily revoking those rights.

By extension, if the personal right to own whatever weapons one wishes was in fact Constitutionally guaranteed, then criminals would also have a right to be armed - since Constitutional rights are irrevocable. This flies in the face of the gun lobby argument that the goal should be to keep criminals away from guns, rather than remove guns as a force in American society. They are, in effect, contravening their own claim that gun rights are in fact Constitutionally guaranteed (they aren't).

This truth is simple and obvious once understood. But it is completely missed by adherents of both parties...because American politics ceased to be relevant a long, long time ago.

I believe that is so partly because of our obsolete winner-take-all political system, partly because of the depredations of the military and corporations, and partly because Americans are too greedy and dumb to understand the concept of a social contract - or how excessively limiting the power and mandate of government is self-defeating and is in fact the surest path to tyranny.

The proper role of government is to be the Great Equalizer, champion of the weak against the strong and the many against the few. The guaranteed nature of rights establishes a hedge on the government's mandate - to protect the few and the strong against the tyranny of the majority. When the government fails to fulfill this mandate, the result is social chaos and inevitably civil war and Communist insurgency. Most societies that fall into despotism, wind up there precisely because of a lack of strong authority to establish uniform terms for free interaction between individuals in society - and not the other way around. And, if you doubt this, go look at Iraq.

This truth also reveals something else about Americans - why I so easily see myself apart from my countrymen. Americans talk about freedom, but they do not understand it. Most Americans think that freedom means the freedom to get rich and ignore the problems of the world at large. My notion of freedom, on the other hand, is freedom of self-actualization - to live life on my own terms. Unlike most Americans, I am more than willing to forfeit my "right to get rich" if I believe that in return I am guaranteed the relatively low standard of living that is a necessary condition of my enjoyment of life.

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Local Coffee Shop Declares Itself A Terrorist Organization; FBI Mulling Response

CINCINNATI, OH - The gentleman who calls himself "John Rouen" is hardly your typical terrorist.

He speaks with a heavy Appalachian accent; his grasp of modern business lingo and American culture belies his frequent reading of Forbes magazine and the FOX network.

His loose-fitting solid black shroud, the traditional garb of the terrorist, exposes only a thin band of pale skin around his blue eyes. During the interview, he continually chafes at his forehead and scratches his shoulders and upper back, apparently finding the full-body garment uncomfortable in Cincinnati's humid summers.

"If I had known this was what was involved in being a terrorist," grumbles the man who calls himself Mr Rouen", "I probably would have thought twice about becoming one."

Yet the man who calls himself Mr Rouen is resolute in his cause - his dedication to terrorism. What drove this ordinary American to turn his back on mainstream American life and become a terrorist?

"Honestly," said the man who calls himself Mr Rouen, "I did it for the tax breaks."

A few months ago, Lakes' Shakes lost its tax-exempt status. The man who became known as Mr Rouen had a heated discussion with his accountant, furious that his firm had to pay more taxes as a percentage of overhead than big banks like Bank of America and HSBC. "We provide a public service," said the man who became known as Mr Rouen to his accountant.

"Well," said the accountant, "terrorist organizations don't pay taxes either, and they also claim to 'provide a public service'."

"It was an epiphany - like JP Morgan, George W Bush and Ayn Rand, I heard God whisper in my ears - 'Follow the path of the terrorist, John'," recounts the man who now calls himself Mr Rouen.

So the man who became known as Mr Rouen walked into Springdales and said, "I want to buy a terrorist uniform." "Everyone looked at me funny," he later recounted. "As if I was talking about having sex with children, or something."

The man who became known as Mr Rouen then took the train to Florida and chartered a small boat to Havana, seeking "terrorism resources".

Under Chapter 18, Sec. 2331 of the United States Code, international terrorism is defined as "...violent acts or acts dangerous to human life that are a violation of the criminal laws of the United States or of any State..." and "are to intimidate or coerce a civilian population..."

On May 15, 2013, the man who would become known as Mr Rouen withdrew $17 from the general fund of Lakes' Shakes and used the funds to hire a male prostitute specializing in bondage and sadomasochism. The male prostitute, whose identity has not been disclosed, and the man who thereafter became known as Mr Rouen, spent the night of the 15th whipping and sodomizing each other repeatedly, taking turns tying each other to the bed with hemp cable, gagging the mouth of the "victim" with duct tape, each man being threatened with "punishment" if they did not continue to sodomize the other.

After the twelve-hour ordeal, the man who now calls himself Mr Rouen and the gigolo were rushed to the Havana Medical Centre, where they were treated for severe dehydration and blood loss.

"The patient was nearly dead," said a Havanese doctor who wished not to be identified, saying, "I don't want to be known as the doctor who saved the life of an American terrorist."

"I never saw such vicious wounds. I could hardly believe they were not fatal. And such fearsome language! Just listening to those two men threaten each other with more 'punishment' nearly made me faint.

"I was truly afraid...to this day I still do not feel safe bending over," said the doctor, nervously shifting his bottom.

That night, by endangering his life, and the lives of others, and by violating the laws of the 14 American states in which sodomy is still considered illegal, the man who became known as Mr Rouen had nearly completed his descent into terrorism.

But one heinous act remained. He still had to seek publicity for his deeds. So he posted six hours of grainy, low-res footage on an amateur sex video sharing site, dubbing the footage with pirated music licensed to the estates of Frank Sinatra and Michael Jackson. Through the entire six-hour S&M sex marathon, ran the caption, "DO YOU FEEL YOUR FAMILY VALUES THREATENED YET???"

Within hours, downloads shattered the seven-digit mark. The file was soon taken down by the site, by court order. But it was too late - the cat was out of the bag, and countless mirrors soon sprung up hosting the footage from countries like Venezuela and Sweden.

And with that, the man who now calls himself Mr Rouen realized, he had become a terrorist.

Upon his return to work, he ordered all the servers to dress appropriately - in full-body black shrouds. He commissioned a new awning for the store, emblazoned with the words, "WE SUPPORT TERRORISM!," and offered new customers coupons with each order:"Redeem for one FREE AK-47 - Void Where Prohibited By Law"

The man calling himself Mr Rouen credited the Gettysburg Address as the inspiration for the "AK-47s For Everyone" promotion.

"President Lincoln of the U- I mean, the Great Satan - made the Blacks free, but only where he had no power to enforce his proclamation; and now we're making AK-47s free, but only where we have no power to redeem our coupons."

The moment Lakes' Shakes became a terrorist organization, the FBI froze its assets, in the process instantly clearing several hundred dollars of outstanding debt. Since the man known as Mr Rouen has no income or assets, he now qualifies for public assistance, and since his business has lost its corporate charter, but still retains public recognition as a terrorist entity, Lakes' Shakes is now free from the statutory requirement of corporations to hire professional legal counsel.

The man known as Mr Rouen still lives in fear of the FBI showing up one day to seize his home and business. The FBI, he says, "is no doubt terrified of reprisals by the underground army of male sodomists and male sodomist sypathizers in America," citing statistics that as many as one in ten American men may be a sodomist.

But there is also the fact that the man known as Mr Rouen has actually done nothing wrong under federal law. Terrorism remains a poorly defined legal concept under US law, with neither specific legal mechanisms for its prosecution nor legal remedies for those found guilty.

"I'm in a legal grey area," says the man known as Mr Rouen. "Am I a law-abiding American citizen? Or am I an international terrorist? That depends who you ask."

Meanwhile the persons associated with the Lakes' Shakes terrorist organization are adjusting to the new workplace culture of terrorism.

"We had a 'solidarity' meeting today," said one individual said to be a low-ranking member of the Lakes' Shakes terrorist organization. "We were indoctrinated to blind ourselves to race, religion, gender, political persuasion and national origin - the only thing that matters is fulfilling our goals as a terrorist organization." And what are those goals? The young woman shuddered. "Don't ask me," she pleaded. "I just serve drinks. If you have any questions, ask my manager."

But it's unlikely her manager would have the answer either, for Lakes' Shakes has reorganized itself into self-contained cells of no more than ten individuals. "It's good for morale, and it's good for customer service. If a customer asks, 'Who's the manager?" or, "Who brewed this stool in a cup?" - you can't be forced to name names you don't know.

Since Lakes' Shakes is now a terrorist organization, it cannot legally accept payment for goods and services, instead relying on a shadowy network of collaborators offering payment-in-kind, some possibly motivated by ideological causes, others, perhaps, forced to assist in fear of their family values, or their rectal health.

"It's a daily struggle," says the man known as Mr Rouen. "But somehow, God willing, we will defeat the Great Satan, and serve up some mean coffee."

The Internal Revenue Service is grappling with the issue of tax enforcement of recognized terrorist organizations.

"The United States sponsors terrorism - terrorism does not sponsor the United States. These terrorist organizations are eminently untaxable. It's a tax loophole a million miles wide," said Gary Perkins, a collection officer with the Cincinnati branch of the Internal Revenue Service.

Meanwhile, the Cincinnati office of the Federal Bureau of Investigation is mulling its response.

"To be honest, we're worried about copycat crimes. We don't want an epidemic of wannabe sodomists wreaking havoc all over Cincinnati. And, you know, we really need more funding. We take the 'War on Terrorism' seriously, but we also take the budget negotiations back in D.C.  seriously too," said Mr Kevin R Cornelius, director of the Cincinnati FBI office.

"Of course we have to remember that terrorists like the man known as Mr Rouen are American citizens too. So we're considering our options very carefully." Mr Cornelius unequivocally denies rumors that the FBI may have already been infiltrated by sodomist sympathizers.

"The one thing we can't ignore, was the use of hemp in the terrorist act," said Mr Cornelius. "That's a real red flag for us, and it's why we're sitting up and taking notice of terrorists like the man who calls himself Mr Rouen."

The Associated Press contributed to this report.