WoW Satire: Ban Protstitution!

Tanking heroics for gold - aka "protstitution" - has been a very controversial practice since patch 3.2.

The moral corrosiveness of protstitution should not be underestimated. The bond between tank and healer is one of the most sacred in the MMO genre. Time after time, when the tank's health falls, the healer will catch him. There is a bond of trust and shared fate that transcends words. Instead of this emotional depth, the relationship is based on crude exchange of currency; the tank is reduced to a mere slab of meat with a shield, to be bought and sold.

The selection of an instance partner, to face the challenges of life and death and "The Long Walk Back" together, used to be a source of joy; meeting "the right one" in trade or other social circles. Instead protstitution has introduced the depraved practice of being engaged with random individuals. Often the participants in this foul intercourse zone in, do their dirty business, satiate their lust for loot, then leave. They do not even learn each others' names, they simply get right down to business.

It used to be a romantic paradox: the healer would say, "slow down, please, I can't keep up!" but secretly want the tank go faster, to make her realize the magical capabilities of her hands and body. She would long for the tank to be bold and courageous, ravishing each pull and deft taunt. The healer too had the secrets of her art. Instead tanks now force more and more pulls upon unwilling victims, insensitive to the anguished cries of their blind partners. Sometimes the tanks are inexperienced and awkward; they don't know how to position themselves, or how to properly use the "equipment" nature has bestowed upon them all too soon, rushed into early maturity and staring into the massive abs of Jaraxxus or up the skirt of Deathwhisper, uncertain how to handle what they see. Accidents are increasingly frequent.

The laying of hands on oneself becomes increasingly frequent, a selfish and depraved practice. But as fewer paladins have spiritual attunement there is no incentive to not lay hands on oneself.

We are all measured, oppressed, by our "measurements", which we proclaim in trade in this coarse interchange. Some engage in ridiculous and narcissistic self-enhancement, feeling their actual assets to be insufficient. The result is things that aren't a good fit - "if it fits the slot, stick it right in there." And so we have deathknights with spellpower trinkets and such.

All these moral abominations, ladies and gentlemen, are the direct result of legalized protstituion - a practice that must be banned immediately to restore moral integrity to the WoW community.